Superbowl 51’s most offensive mocktail for two of the NFL’s most offensive teams. Get it? Puns are great. The idea is a whole order of Buffalo Wings in one soda. That means you get the buffalo wing sauce, the ranch dressing to dip, and the celery on the side. Yes.

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Football and snack food are as synonymous as pigs and blankets, which also happen to be an appropriate football snack. There’s a big game coming up this weekend and since my Seahawks failed to give me someone appropriate to root for I spent my mental faculties on creating a beverage for others fans to enjoy during their parties. Meet the Tom Brady Mocktail.

I didn’t provide a lot of commentary on the beverage in the video, so here’s my full review:

It’s awful. The ranch dressing claws its salt heavy and cheesy way into the front of your palate every chance it gets. It overwhelms the Buffalo Wing Soda (which is a horrible sweet vinegar monstrosity on its own), and completely obscures the redeeming qualities of the celery soda. It’s a hot mess. However, given its namesake it’ll get packaged with a couple dozen quality sodas and be associated as wonderful. Next thing you know it’ll go on some weird diets, cry to the media about unfair treatment, hide facts from investigators when it’s caught cheating, and…where was I going with that? Oh yeah, it’s terrible.

I’ll provide detailed reviews of each of the component sodas as well, so stay tuned.

Meanwhile, pour yourself a big-old Tom Brady and reflect on better times, like Super Bowl XLVIII. Remember, one part Buffalo Wing Soda, one part Ranch Dressing Soda, and .5 part Celery Soda (Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray works well). This mocktail is an easy 2 out of 10 on my rating scale.

The Tom Brady Mocktail is an abomination. Sure, it’s a winning combination, but it’s tough to get through it without choking. A real Tom Brady.

Catalog:
Created and sampled on 1/29/2017, purchased at Rocket Fizz in Seattle, WA

For other sodas from Rocket Fizz, click here.